Sr. Lynette Chan, Fsp

The initial thought of searching for my vocation did not happen until Easter 2003. It was just an ordinary evening after mass. I was meditating on Jesus’ passion. As I gazed on the cross, I contemplated on his wounds, trying to imagine his pain. I was overwhelmed with God’s love for me and all sinners. For the first time, I was curious to know why my Lord would agree to say ‘Yes’ to suffer for me even before I was born. As I left the church compound, I was humming to the tune of “How Deep Is Your Love’ by the Bee Gees. I walked towards Our Lady’s grotto and stopped there to say a prayer. I asked Mother Mary to intercede for me, to understand God’s love for me and to ask the Lord to reveal His will for my life.

The next day, at the end of a Divine Mercy prayer meeting, John, a non-Catholic Christian, walked up to me and said that he had a message from Our Lord to share with me. John said, “Jesus wants me to tell you to prepare to be his bride.” When I asked John, what was the meaning of ‘bride’? He replied saying that he thinks it means, “The Lord wants you to prepare for his coming.” But, as I recalled from the Gospel, ‘bride’ refers to His disciples, His followers. Immediately, remembering my prayer to Our Lady, I kept this experience of ‘prophecy’ in my heart. I did not share it with anyone for two weeks. In my mind, I thought that it was all my imagination. Aware of how sinful & unworthy I am, how unfaithful and disobedient, I doubted the accuracy of John’s prophecy and put the thought aside.

But during those two weeks, the thought of the meaning of ‘bride’ was constantly on my mind. After struggling to ‘shake off’ the thought, I finally decided to stop fighting it and took the courage to share it with Marie (my friend & business partner). Marie shared that to her knowledge, ‘bride’ refers to us the disciples; while Christ is our bridegroom. At the same time, during those weeks, the Gospel readings seemed to be talking to my heart – I was being invited to be a follower of Christ, to be a “fisher of man.”

I met the Daughters of St. Paul in May 2003 at one of their parish book missions. During our conversation, I recalled my first encounter with the Daughters of St Paul about 8 years previously. It was my first experience of good value books at reasonably low prices. I had made a few purchases, including a book entitled ‘Winning Attitudes’. I recalled and recognized Sister Clare as the one who helped me with the selection. Remembering the time after I digested ‘Winning Attitudes,’ I used to talk to myself with this desire – if only I could own a bookshop like this by making a living through the sale of good moral books, not only would I benefit my customers but also myself. It had been a dream for me to run a business by the age of 40. Of course, I had no idea what kind of product I would sell. When I was introduced to Sister Wendy, the vocation directress, we exchanged contacts. Sister Wendy arranged for a meeting and gave me a brief introduction to the Pauline family and the charism of the Daughters of St. Paul. I received some vocation leaflets and the Pauline magazines.

In July 2003, with the encouragement and support of the Sisters in the convent, I was invited to have my first stay-in experience with them for 7 days. During that week, I was blessed to experience their prayer life and their apostolate from the unpacking and pricing of goods received to book displays, as well as their domestic duties of marketing, cooking, cleaning, and also their recreation. These experiences helped me greatly in identifying my passion for sales & marketing activities. Indeed, I was inspired by the Sisters’ hard work, including their 10 years of formation to deepen their religious life and their knowledge of Christ, at the end of which they would offer their lives in God’s service. During my stay, the one thing that attracted me most to the Daughters of St. Paul was their 1-hour adoration. Prior to my stay, I had only one experience in the adoration chapel where I discovered myself having difficulties to be silent and to pray. I left after 5-minutes. But during my stay at the convent, to my surprise, in contrast to the days when I had difficulty to survive that 1-hour adoration, it became instead an experience of wanting more time to spend with the Lord.

Why, the Daughters of St Paul? I think God is very kind. He never confuses. He has brought me to the Daughters of St. Paul for a self-discovery and self-confirmation journey. I see the Daughters of St. Paul as an opportunity for me to discover and to discern the will of God in my life. I always feel that I’m a ‘half-filled’ glass of water. Since young, I have had many different interests including singing, sketching, writing on experiences of life, justice issues, giving testimony to God’s presence in my life, human behaviour, and sales. Yet I never felt satisfied until I met the Daughters of St. Paul. Perhaps this is what I have been waiting for to ‘quench’ my thirst. Indeed, I am still on the search for my purpose of existence. I do wish to live my life fully without regrets.

Among the many gifts which God has granted me, the flair for Sales & Marketing is one gift which I have been given many opportunities to practice among the Daughters of St. Paul. It is a gift that contributes to the Pauline apostolate in promoting ‘Jesus,’ the Real product, to the world. I do feel excited, being able to promote ‘Jesus’ officially to the world. In my previous job experiences, people thought that I was just ‘overwhelmed’ at being a Catholic. However I feel that it is a joy I cannot keep to myself. As I journey on with courage, I do wish to discover and confirm if I am a part of the Daughters of St. Paul, a part that fits like a jigsaw puzzle.

Sr. Karen Eng, Fsp

When I was in Primary 6, a friend wrote in my birthday card, “I have come so that you may have life and have it abundantly.” (Jn 10:10) I was intrigued at what this could possibly mean. It was not until many years later when I was in vocational discernment that it dawned on me that no ordinary person would be able to deliver on that promise.

I grew up in a Taoist family and followed all the practices of the religion as part of our family custom. As I was growing up, I recall reading something about Jesus and feeling an attraction to him but this interest quietly faded due to a lack of direction. When I was in Secondary school, I started to ask questions about the Taoist and Buddhist religions since these were part of my immediate environment but remember being dissatisfied with the answers. My desire to know God grew stronger even as the proper direction and answers seemed out of reach. Somehow I knew there had to be a God ‘out there.’

I had the opportunity to take up Religious Education in Secondary 3. I ignored Bible Studies, mistakenly thinking, “Oh, if all of Christianity is contained in a book, I can certainly read it by myself and do not need classes.” I chose Buddhist studies because I was determined to unravel the mystery of the religious practices I grew up with. Before the classes were over, I was totally sold and became a Buddhist. I felt that I had finally found the meaning of life by following the Way to attain Enlightenment—the ultimate fulfillment. I believed in doing good deeds, having compassion for all and embraced the idea that I was responsible and able to work for my personal Enlightenment. I greatly appreciated the sense of universal interconnectedness. However, the one thing Buddhism did not answer for me was the question of creation. I remember studying this: ‘Where did we come from? Does the answer help you in achieving Enlightenment? No, and if so, there is no need to ask that question.’ I shelved that issue for another day…

When I was studying in Singapore Polytechnic, I had 2 good friends, Susan and Theresa, who were Catholic. Their faith did not have an impact on my life until the day they decided to pray the Rosary with The Legion of Mary at lunchtime. I didn’t want to eat alone and decided to hang around with them. As I watched them pray the Rosary, I sensed a sacredness and intimacy. This became a regular practice for my friends and before long, I started to ask questions about the Rosary, which led to questions about the Virgin Mary, God and his son, Jesus. In my years of growing up, I had ‘met’ this Christian God through people who approached me in school and at MRT stations but they were often too aggressive for me. I was upset as I felt harassed by them. The vibe I got was ‘repent or go to hell’ and I felt pressured to ‘accept Jesus’ immediately. I argued with many a zealous evangelizer and grew increasingly resistant towards God and his son Jesus. I could not accept a God who would sacrifice the life of his only Son - not a very loving thing to do! Granted, he did it for us, for me, but in my rational approach, I could not accept nor see beyond this harsh reality - I simply could not grasp the love behind the mystery.

Strangely, however, whenever my Catholic friends spoke to me about God the Father and Jesus his son through the eyes of Mary, my heart softened and was awakened to God. In between our classes, Susan and Theresa would tell me more about Jesus. Their love for Jesus and the life-giving personal relationships they shared with him were tangible and inspiring to me. Finally, I experienced and accepted God as love and there was simply no turning back. In Catholicism, I discovered a God who loves me, a God who wants to be in relationship with me. Even though Buddhism made some sense and I had embraced it for a few years, there was no personal love, no personal relationship with God - the One who created me and loves me, the One with whom I am meant to be for all eternity. I remember vividly the first time Susan brought me to a Catholic Church. Kneeling before my God present in the tabernacle, I knew in my heart that I had come home.

The most intriguing thing I learned was that Jesus was truly present in the Bread (Eucharist) that was given in Communion. I can’t explain why this great leap of logic did not faze me. As I look back now in gratitude, I realize that it truly was grace and grace alone. I started going for Mass on Sundays. Theresa had taught me to pray an act of spiritual communion with Jesus when it was time for others to receive Holy Communion and I prayed it with all my heart. But week after week, as I watched others stand in line to receive Jesus, I felt my own longing grow. I knew I had to take the next step of faith - to be baptized.

In the meantime, I read the autobiography of St. Theresa of the Child Jesus. My heart resonated with her sentiments as I too desired to belong totally to Jesus, to become holy and to draw many souls to Jesus! In this resonance, the tiny seed of a religious vocation was awakened in me. On 24 December 1992, I was baptized Theresa and received my long-awaited First Communion.

After my conversion to the faith, I finished my Diploma in Biotechnology and worked in a research lab for a while before going on to University to pursue my love for the Life Sciences. After graduation, I got a job at an exciting biological research lab. I was 25 and felt that my life was really taking off. I looked forward to all that life promised - marriage, children, a fulfilling career - these would be more than enough for me. In fact, I got so caught up with life, friends and endless other concerns that some other things started to slip away. Things like God, my relationship with Jesus - all that truly mattered, if only I could pause for a minute in my hectic life to realize.

On the surface, I seemed fine - I was young, had a promising career and was financially well off. I had moved away from home, shared an apartment with a friend and was living up my newfound freedom. Who would have guessed that deep inside were doubts that would creep up on me occasionally. The restlessness frightened me and I thought, “Surely there is something wrong with me. Everyone else seems just fine with what I have. I should be satisfied. Who am I to be different, to think there could be more?” What I tried to brush off as boredom, burnout or restlessness always returned to haunt me. But what is restlessness? As St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.”

There were so many voices competing for my attention - society, peers, family, expectations, momentary pleasures. I was trying to fill myself up with one thing after another only to wind up emptier than before. Nothing seemed to fit because I was looking in all the wrong places. I had lost sight of the one true source of Life - Jesus.

Although I enjoyed my work, it was not life-giving for me. As I poured more hours and energy into my career, I was seized by a growing emptiness and the realization that I only have one life. I wanted to spend it on something I truly believed in, something worth dying for. With my quarter-life crisis - a crisis of identity and the meaning of my life - I hit rock-bottom.

I found myself revisiting that inner voice of conviction as I when prepared for baptism - of belonging totally to Jesus. My answer was already a definite ‘yes’ although my understanding of it and my actions certainly had a lot of catching up to do. The Shepherd came in search of me and was calling my name again because my ears had grown dull to his Voice.

I finally turned to Jesus again and found myself spending time before the Blessed Sacrament. I was uncertain of what I would find but I knew that if anyone had an answer, Jesus did. In time, I renewed my relationship with Jesus and in utter brokenness, asked to know once again his plan for my life - truly his will for me and not my own misguided attempts. I found myself home once more in his abundant love, outpoured from the Blessed Sacrament.

I realized that my attraction to religious life had come and gone over the past 9 years. The lack of clarity, my timidity and the incredulity of it all had kept me from speaking seriously to anyone about it. Many times, I looked through the Catholic directory and considered calling up religious orders to find out more but I never mustered the courage to call nor did I make time in my busy schedule to really check them out. I was about to give up on the whole idea of religious life when I met the Daughters of St. Paul at a book display at Our Lady of Perpetual Succor in 2001. I was immediately attracted to their Eucharistic spirituality and that sufficiently motivated me to learn more. I requested information via mail - simple and harmless, I thought. I never expected Sr. Jocelyn, the vocation directress, to invite me over for a chat. It really took off from there. I shared with her my deepest desires, those I had kept secret for so long because I thought them too unbelievable to be true. To my great relief, they did not seem so strange to Sr. Jocelyn as she patiently listened. I felt a burden lifted from me as I could finally acknowledge the soft promptings Jesus had been placing in my heart all those years. My desire for a total consecration to Jesus was re-ignited as I began my vocational discernment with the Daughters of St. Paul.

A powerful experience that also increased my vocational awareness was the tragedy of September 11, 2001. I grieved for the people who perished in such senseless cruelty and felt a growing heaviness that nothing in our world would ever be right again. But in the midst of this darkness, I discovered an inextinguishable hope within and realized that Jesus himself was sustaining me with his love. And what I had, I wanted so badly to share with everyone. From this experience, I grew convinced of the meaning of my existence: to spend my life so that all may come to know Jesus and his infinite love for them.

Why did I join the Daughters of St. Paul? As my discernment with the Sisters continued, I felt a right ‘fit’ with their spirituality and mission. I spent time with the Sisters, participating in their life and mission whenever I could, mostly on weekends. I sensed Jesus showing me that it was as a Daughter of St. Paul that I would best serve him and share him with the world. The words of our Founder, Blessed James Alberione, aptly express it: “The mind, heart and soul of an apostle is filled with Jesus Christ, Way, Truth and Life. No longer able to contain herself or her treasure, there is a spreading and overflowing of it towards others. She wants everyone to share her riches, and therefore searches for the best and fastest means.”

And how did I know when it was time to take the leap? Naturally, in the one and a half years that I was discerning my vocation with the Daughters of St. Paul, there were moments of fear, doubt and hesitation. But Jesus in the Eucharist was ever faithful and always reassured me with these words, “Do not be afraid, I am with you.” The abiding peace I experienced in prayer eventually triumphed over my doubts and fears and I found myself unable to resist him any longer. I broke the news to my family and friends and amid their mixed reactions, I took the remaining steps to join the Daughters of St. Paul.

The time of preparation to become a Daughter of St. Paul includes two years of postulancy followed by two years of novitiate after which first vows are taken, if God so wills. These years are an ongoing deeper discernment within the community of Sisters.

I arrived in Boston, USA, in August 2003, not knowing what to expect (60 Sisters!) but was warmly welcomed and felt very much at home. Each day, we make an hour of adoration before the Blessed Sacrament - truly the highlight of my day! Since we are an active-apostolic congregation, we also participate in active ministry, although in these initial years of formation, we spend more time on study and reflection.

My experiences of our mission so far include communicating Christ through book exhibits, Baby Jesus parties (where kids come to our book centers to have their picture taken with Baby Jesus in celebration of his birthday), Christmas concerts, vocation talks and Eucharistic adoration in parishes. Our Founder said, ‘love is creative’ and these varied experiences truly manifest the creative love and collaboration of many Sisters!

In postulancy, I worked part-time in the Marketing Department of our Publishing House. In our mission-oriented viewpoint, marketing helps awaken in people their innate desire for God by offering them an experience of God through forms of media such as books, music, radio and the internet. I also spent a month with our community in Miami, Florida, serving in our Pauline Book & Media Center. There, I learnt that all hurdles (mostly linguistic, since we serve a 60% Hispanic population in Miami) could be overcome with warm smiles, a willingness to ask for help and the ability to laugh about our miscommunication. It is a joy to invite people to visit the Blessed Sacrament in the chapel of our book center!

During these years, our classes on scripture, the catechism, church history, our Pauline history and spirituality, human and spiritual formation have enabled me to deepen my relationship with the Lord, helping me recognize his presence in my life and in the lives of the people I meet.

Living in community is a big part of religious life. I am blessed to live with postulants, novices and professed Sisters of varied ages, cultures and backgrounds. There is never a dull moment! Of course there are bound to be differences and areas of friction. But moments of tension are also beautiful opportunities to give and receive love and forgiveness as we grow in a spirit of reconciliation, unity and collaboration. There is such strength and joy in sharing the same mission and living a community life centered on Jesus! The years since I joined the community have been the most intense and beautiful in my life, filled with much love and joy, even amid life-giving challenges.

I began the novitiate in August 2005 and have entered deeply into this intense time of prayer, reflection and study of the history, charism and constitutions (rule of life) of the Daughters of St. Paul. God’s all-sufficient love energizes me and is helping me grow in freedom to be more fully who he created me to be. Jesus our Divine Master is the Way, Truth and Life and it is he who forms us to be effective apostles integrated in mind, will and heart, “until Christ is formed in me.” (Gal 4:19) Formation is only the beginning of a life-long process of “putting aside the old person and putting on the new.” (Col 3:10) Ultimately, vocation is not about what I can do but about who I am and whose I am.

So why do people become Sisters? For me, it began when I experienced the life-changing love of Jesus and fell in love with Him. I realized that nothing less than belonging totally to him would fulfil me. While I was discerning my vocation, it was evident to my colleagues that I was in love although I did not reveal the identity of my Beloved. I did not have the words back then to explain why I was entering religious life but this is how I would explain it now. At the heart of my religious consecration is a passionate love for Jesus, not of my own initiative but because he loved me first and gave himself for me. He invites me to a greater intimacy with him.

When a person hears God’s voice and desires nothing more than to respond to his irresistible call, his loves become her loves, his people become her people. She desires to give herself completely so that others will discover his love and find in that love the real meaning of their lives. What lies ahead is unknown but the only certainty that is needed and is promised, is the love of the Lord. “I have come so that you may have life and have it abundantly.” (Jn 10:10) My journey thus far has been one of great joy and adventure in the abiding presence of God. Each day, I experience anew the truth that only Jesus can offer an abundance of life beyond my imagination!

Sr. Jocelyn Kwek, Fsp

When I was a child, Christianity was something foreign in our family. I remember we had a Protestant neighbour but I had never heard anything about Christ. When my second elder brother was in Secondary School (High School), he came into contact with a Protestant group and was converted. Of course, it created a big issue among the grown ups and I was given the impression that Christianity is not a good religion and it was meant for Westerners. After I completed my studies in college, I started working and it was then that I came into close contact with Christianity, specifically Catholics. I was open towards it in accepting my friends as believers but not wanting to get involved in it myself. I started dating and my boyfriend, though not a believer, had been attending Mass on his own with the initial intention of improving his English. When one’s attention is focused on a person, nothing comes in the way. So I had no hesitation when I was invited by him to attend Mass. However, after a couple of attendance, I began to feel bored and at the same time, guilty of “betraying” my family tradition and beliefs. My friend was not able to explain to me what we were doing during Mass. All we seemed to be doing was exercising — standing, sitting, kneeling, nodding your head during the sign of peace, etc. I decided not to continue and of course, my friend quit too.

After a few months, I dreamt that God appeared over the nice blue sky. A voice called me to move forward to adore and worship. I do not know what happened after that but I began to ask my friend to attend Mass. Slowly, I started to pick up the tune of the hymns and sang whenever we were together. I remember walking together and learning to sing the “Our Father,” yet not able to comprehend what this prayer actually meant. My friend’s desire to be baptized into the Catholic Church grew but it did not make any difference to me. However, he did not pick up enough courage to approach the parish priest.
One Sunday, after the evening Mass, I practically dragged him in front of the parish priest and he had no choice but to open his mouth to express his desire. Father enthusiastically explained that the parish was organizing the 2nd group of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) and invited us to sign up. Personally I had never thought about wanting to be in the faith yet when the pen was handed to me, I had no hesitation to give my name and contact. Thus began my Catholic faith initiation.

The RCIA programme lasted about 1½ years and I must admit that there were several obstacles along the way. My mother expressed her anger when she heard that someone from the Church had called to inform me of the beginning of the classes of the RCIA. Since then, I never dared mention to her that I was attending the classes. However, I knew that somehow my family was aware of it though they did not make any verbal objection. A few months before the day of baptism at Easter, I began to have mixed feelings. In addition to my new found faith, I was very drawn to the Catholic family and community spirit which I had never experienced before. Yet, I did not have the courage to break my own family’s heart. I skipped a few RCIA classes but could not resist its attraction. Finally on March 30, 1991, I was fully initiated into the Catholic family through the waters of Baptism. I was filled with so much joy and happiness during that Easter Vigil that I could not remember anything from the readings and gospel. All I remember was that I was smiling throughout the celebration. When the congregation sang “Welcome to the Family”, I was truly joyful that I now belong to God’s big family.

After my baptism, I began to be very involved with church activities, particularly the RCIA and the Legion of Mary. Our RCIA group also started the sunset Mass choir. God’s Spirit was really moving in me. That same year, I was even blessed with the grace to visit Lourdes, where our Blessed Mother appeared to St. Bernadette. I continued my relationship with my boyfriend. However, about 1½ years later, we decided to go our separate ways as we realized that we were not meant for each other. In fact, our relationship ended while we were in the parish. Little did I know that God had another plan for me.

I devoted much of my time to Church activities. I became the Assistant Secretary of the Legion of Mary on the National (Senatus) and local parish (praesidium) level. Church became my second home. I would attend morning Mass before going to work and return to the parish after work. Some people questioned my motivation in spending so much time in the Church and even felt that I should give time to my personal life. I had never thought of that. In fact, I was happy with what I was doing. However, it never crossed my mind to devote my life to the service of God. All I desired was to do whatever I could in the parish.

After a few months, I dreamt that God appeared over the nice blue sky. A voice called me to move forward to adore and worship. I do not know what happened after that but I began to ask my friend to attend Mass. Slowly, I started to pick up the tune of the hymns and sang whenever we were together. I remember walking together and learning to sing the “Our Father,” yet not able to comprehend what this prayer actually meant. My friend’s desire to be baptized into the Catholic Church grew but it did not make any difference to me. However, he did not pick up enough courage to approach the parish priest.
One Sunday, after the evening Mass, I practically dragged him in front of the parish priest and he had no choice but to open his mouth to express his desire. Father enthusiastically explained that the parish was organizing the 2nd group of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) and invited us to sign up. Personally I had never thought about wanting to be in the faith yet when the pen was handed to me, I had no hesitation to give my name and contact. Thus began my Catholic faith initiation.

The RCIA programme lasted about 1½ years and I must admit that there were several obstacles along the way. My mother expressed her anger when she heard that someone from the Church had called to inform me of the beginning of the classes of the RCIA. Since then, I never dared mention to her that I was attending the classes. However, I knew that somehow my family was aware of it though they did not make any verbal objection. A few months before the day of baptism at Easter, I began to have mixed feelings. In addition to my new found faith, I was very drawn to the Catholic family and community spirit which I had never experienced before. Yet, I did not have the courage to break my own family’s heart. I skipped a few RCIA classes but could not resist its attraction. Finally on March 30, 1991, I was fully initiated into the Catholic family through the waters of Baptism. I was filled with so much joy and happiness during that Easter Vigil that I could not remember anything from the readings and gospel. All I remember was that I was smiling throughout the celebration. When the congregation sang “Welcome to the Family”, I was truly joyful that I now belong to God’s big family.

After my baptism, I began to be very involved with church activities, particularly the RCIA and the Legion of Mary. Our RCIA group also started the sunset Mass choir. God’s Spirit was really moving in me. That same year, I was even blessed with the grace to visit Lourdes, where our Blessed Mother appeared to St. Bernadette. I continued my relationship with my boyfriend. However, about 1½ years later, we decided to go our separate ways as we realized that we were not meant for each other. In fact, our relationship ended while we were in the parish. Little did I know that God had another plan for me.

I devoted much of my time to Church activities. I became the Assistant Secretary of the Legion of Mary on the National (Senatus) and local parish (praesidium) level. Church became my second home. I would attend morning Mass before going to work and return to the parish after work. Some people questioned my motivation in spending so much time in the Church and even felt that I should give time to my personal life. I had never thought of that. In fact, I was happy with what I was doing. However, it never crossed my mind to devote my life to the service of God. All I desired was to do whatever I could in the parish.

After 2 years of apostolic exposure in Singapore and then 3 years of theological studies in the Philippines, I arrived in Rome in July 2005 to begin studying Italian, in preparation for the Course of Preparation for Perpetual Profession which began in January 2006. This is a 5-month intense course which prepares Juniors/temporary professed Sisters of our congregation from around the world for their definitive commitment to life as a Daughter of St. Paul. It is also known as our second novitiate. I am happy and grateful to have taken this journey in the religious life. As I prepare to to commit myself definitively to our Master, I ask for the grace to make this journey well so as to be a worthy Pauline.
As I look back through the years, I can say with our founder, Blessed James Alberione, that the hand of God has and is upon me, guiding me through each step, even though I may not be aware of it. In the midst of difficulties and struggles, He taught me to hold on to this belief and gives me courage : My grace is enough for you; for power is at full stretch in weakness. (2 Cor. 12: 9)

Sr. Fenfang He, Fsp

I am the eldest in my family and my father’s favourite among his five children. I grew up in China, a communist country. My grandparents were Buddhists; my father is a Communist. I am a converted Catholic. It was very hard for us to understand eternal life, resurrection, etc. but human ignorance did not stop the Divine plan for me.

At the age of fourteen, out of curiosity, I went with my classmates to attend catechism classes during the summer break, without my parents knowing it. Soon after, I desired to become a Catholic. After encountering many difficulties, my parents finally allowed me to be baptized. My only purpose at that time was to be a saint and go to heaven.

A few years later, my faith was challenged because of the Communist education I received and the teachings of scientists. My faith passed through a long winter. I had very limited knowledge of Christ’s teaching and I did not even have a Bible. However God, through His invisible hand, led me at the age of eighteen to Singapore. In this place, my faith stayed firm and grew stronger. It was like springtime again. During my first Christmas in Singapore, I bought a Chinese Bible as a gift for myself.

Having the Bible in hand, I came to a deeper understanding of our Triune God. The beauty and richness of the Word made me proud to be a child of God. As I experienced more encounters with the Word, I realized that out of His infinite love and goodness, God created me. However, I was foolishly wandering on the crossroad, waiting and looking for the “arrow” of love, for I was slow to understand that He has created me for himself alone and only “in him would my being find rest.”

One day, as I was reading the Bible, a deep whisper came from the depths of my being: “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in my love.” It was a beautiful invitation, but I paid no attention to it. I was busy as usual with many other things. Days passed and I felt that God’s love was still pursuing me. The whispers still resounded constantly in my ears while I struggled to ignore it as I prayed. Finally, I surrendered under the power of His love. A simple and profound “yes” brought an Easter peace to my soul.

My desire then was to abide by Jesus’ love, the Fountain of Life so that I might be constantly nourished by the Divine Love and never thirst again as the Lord Jesus said: “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never be thirsty; no, the water I give shall become a fountain within him, leaping up to provide eternal life” (John 4:14). This empowered me to hope to become a cup of water for those who are thirsty and to share with them what I have received. In order to make known His love to others, I dreamed to be His messenger, a full-time messenger for the Good News. This was one of the reasons for my becoming a Sister.

You may wonder why I chose the Daughters of St. Paul. Honestly, at the beginning I did not like it at all. I recall my godmother showing me the brochure of the Daughters of St. Paul and saying: “Girl, I think you will like this congregation….” I asked her the Congregation’s name in Chinese because at that time I did not know any English. When she translated it for me, I got displeased. I told my godmother I wanted to be a daughter of God, not of St. Paul. She laughed and continued to explain to me all the information about the Daughters of St. Paul, “They serve God with the mass media of communication, i.e. press, audiovisual, TV, Internet…. What a wonderful way to spread the Good News. If St. Paul were alive today, he would do the same.” Eventually I decided to become one of them and by God’s grace I offered myself totally to Jesus Master.

My journey to become a Sister was not easy. I worked for nine years in Singapore before I entered the convent. During that time, I had almost everything I needed. I had a wonderful job. I travelled. Every year I went home to see my family in China. When I told them about my plan of becoming a nun, no one understood me, neither my family nor friends. It also made my poor papa suffer. My friends left me one by one, since many were free thinkers and did not believe that God exists. Becoming a nun was a crazy choice for them.

I had a boy classmate who loved me very much. We were good friends since secondary school and I believed we could have been happy companions for life. On his mind I was to be his future wife. He cried when I told him I wanted to be a nun. I struggled and I prayed and I made my choice with tears. My dear boyfriend waited patiently until the day I made my religious vows. He was only then convinced of my vocation.

I was sent to the United States for my formation. I did not know English. It was a hard for me to learn English. Many times I was tempted to give up, but the love of the Sisters kept me going forward. I am grateful especially to two Sisters who loved and cared for me through these years. Of course I learned to love all the Sisters. Although I was the only Chinese Sister in the community I always felt at home.

During those years the Holy Face under the veil of Bread was my stronghold and strength. During my formation years I have learned how to obey although I had been a very independent girl. I also learned to give up many things: lifestyle, wonderful job, good friends. I also gave up my family in a certain sense. Now, I cannot go home as often as before. I can only visit them once in three years and it is a big sacrifice for them, too.

Little by little I have learned to be detached from people and things that stand between Jesus and me. I made my first profession in Singapore on January, 24, 1999 and stayed for two years with the Singapore Community doing the mission. By serving people and sharing their joy and sufferings I learn many things from them. They are angels on my journey. I notice that there are still many travellers searching for the meaning of life. I want to give them Jesus for He has loved them all. I was in the Philippines for my theological studies and am now in Rome preparing for my perpetual profession. Please pray for me, that I may grow in wisdom and knowledge in order to serve others better.

You may want to know how I am feeling now as a Sister. When I look back to what I have left behind, I say: “O my beloved Jesus, it is worth giving up everything to follow you, the Fountain of Love. You have made me for Yourself and in You I find rest and in Your most Sacred Heart I have been infinitely loved. O my Beloved, give me the grace to proclaim Your love to all whom I meet so that they may know that You have deeply loved each one of them and You are the true lover whom they search for. My vocation is my 100% free choice and I am convinced that I have made the right choice.”

Of course, there are some struggles and temptations and I believe I still have a long way to go, but each day is an opportunity to grow in faith and love of Jesus. As a Daughter of St. Paul, I am trying to imitate St. Paul so that I may become “all to all.” Some of you may say: “Sister Fenfang your vocation song is over! Praise the Lord!” Yes, Alleluia! Praise the Lord! But I tell you the song is not yet over; it is just finishing its refrain, and there are still many verses to come. For example, to be faithful to my vows of chastity, poverty and obedience will be my whole life’s task; to live as a missionary is a great challenge. As a Junior Sister, I must learn how to put out my faith into the deep Ocean of Grace. That is why every day I recite this prayer:

“O Father in heaven, I freely surrender to you everything I have. But I beg you to give me Your Son Jesus to be my Master and Lord. May Your Spirit guide me in times of temptation. Deliver me from all those that will separate me from You. And help me to be faithful to the choice I have made. May your grace make me perfect in holiness. Amen.”

Sr. Wendy Ooi, Fsp

I never wanted to be a nun. In fact that was the last thing on my mind. Besides, I was never the “holy, pious” type. Though I was brought up as a Catholic and went to a Catholic school with nuns, I often skived off Catechism classes and went to church only to hang out with friends. I was an “out-standing” Catholic – going late for mass, standing outside the church and leaving early!

When I went to the UK for my tertiary studies, I found the Catholic church and liturgy an utter bore. Attracted by the Christian Youth Movement at my university, I started to search for the “real” church and hopped from one church to another Sunday after Sunday. You name it, I’ve been to it - from the Anglicans and the Methodists, to the Baptists and the Pentecostals, and more. Eventually I thought I could worship best at a church of the Assembly of God. As testimonies were given by fellow students during the service, I saw Christ alive and active in them. However, a few weeks later, I was disillusioned by the comments of one of the members. She condemned all Catholics as hypocrites, and urged me to abandon the Catholic faith. I remember thinking, “Hang on a minute, here I am broad minded enough to attend your church, the least you could do is also respect other churches.” After that incident, I stopped going to church altogether. I had better things to do on a Sunday morning – sleep in, climb mountains (my campus being near the Snowdonia national park), hang out with friends etc.

Around that time (it was the mid-1980s) the Ethiopian famine crisis was at its peak (rousing the original Band Aid for Africa). Watching appalling scenes on TV of skeletal adults and malnourished children with bloated stomachs prompted me to question the existence of God. If God, whom Christians claim to be a loving God, exists, how can he allow so much needless suffering to take place? I began to have doubts and came close to being an atheist.

Meanwhile, I was seeing a guy who was a Muslim and it was not in our agenda to complicate matters by bringing religion to our relationship. Nevertheless as fate, or more likely, providence, would have it, I came across a book called Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. (His only work I was previously familiar with was the Chronicles of Narnia.) I can honestly say that Mere Christianity was the book that brought me back to God. It answered many of my doubting questions and convinced me that Yes, God does exist! But whether it was the Protestant path or the Catholic path for me, I still wasn’t too sure (C.S. Lewis was an Anglican).

Meanwhile, with my Protestant influence, whenever I returned home to Singapore for the holidays, I would tell my mum to throw away all her statues, and to stop her devotion to Mary as we can pray directly to Jesus, horrifying her of course in the process.

Upon graduation in 1989, I went on a 2 month adventurous (and hedonistic) Contiki vacation across Europe. The holiday included visits to some very famous churches (eg. St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, Notre Dame in Paris, La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona) but never once did I kneel down to pray. I was merely a tourist, admiring the great medieval, gothic and renaissance architecture and art!

When I returned to Singapore and started work as a TV producer at the then Singapore Broadcasting Corporation (today’s Media Corp.), a cousin tried to persuade me to attend a talk on Medjugorje, a small village in what was then Yugoslavia (Croatia today) where Mary, the Blessed Mother was appearing to six children. Of course I “pooh poohed” the whole thing, being very sceptical of these apparitions and also being ignorantly anti-Marian at that time. But someone somewhere must have been praying for cynical sinners like me and one Sunday afternoon in 1990, I found myself in an auditorium listening to a couple speak about the phenomenal things going on in Medjugorje.

Before the talk started, the crowd was singing some Marian hymns and I remember thinking with dread, “Oh, no, what did I get myself into?” However as the talk progressed, which included a video clip, I found myself listening and absorbing the “good news” not only with my mind but also with my heart. I soon felt like the two disciples walking along the road towards Emmaus. My heart was burning within me! A veil was being lifted off my eyes and my ears were being unplugged! For the very first time, I saw, I heard and I understood. A conversion was starting to take place within me and I was beginning to see “the light!”

After the talk, I was hungry to know more about the Catholic faith and picked up some literature at the display. One booklet explained the Eucharist, while another was on the Rosary (I had completely forgotten how to say the rosary!). I also purchased a book by Wayne Weible, a journalist and a Lutheran catechist. Why was a Lutheran promoting Medugorje? I was intrigued. Reading his personal experience deepened my own conviction that the apparitions in Medugorje were authentic. After all, one of its most obvious fruits was bringing me back to the fold.

I ended up being not only enlightened on Mary’s role in the church (as a model of discipleship, an intercessor, and spiritual mother) but also convinced of my Catholic faith and tradition. I was in short, “born again” into the Catholic faith! I made my first confession in 7 years, started to attend daily mass, read the Bible and fast. I saw and experienced the Sacraments in a fresh light in my “new life!” My friends were baffled to see this new spiritual side of me, saying I did a “180 degree turn!” Before long, I started a prayer group at SBC among my Catholic colleagues and in September of that same year in 1990, I made a pilgrimage to Medjugorje.

It was my first pilgrimage and it turned out to be an awesome spiritual experience. The peace I felt in Medugorje is beyond description. When I returned to Singapore I felt inspired (by the Holy Spirit no doubt) to join the School of the New Evangelisation Team (NET). NET not only helped deepen my spiritual life but also gave me a taste of the sweetness of serving the Lord. We had outreach programs, especially to the youth, and I realized that while we may feel that we are giving up a lot - in time and effort - to serve the Lord, in reality, we gain so much more in return. I felt a profound inner joy in the giving and sharing of myself.

While I was still with NET, I longed to use my broadcasting skills to evangelise. One option was to join Lumen 2000. Then I discovered to my surprise a modern and unique order, the Daughters of St. Paul - a congregation of Sisters who use the media to spread the Good News. However, still not keen to be a nun, I kept pushing the idea of that option away but God persisted and in the end I gave in.

After visits to the convent to observe and experience the Sisters’ lifestyle (in Malaysia as well as the Philippines since the Sisters were not yet in Singapore), I made a retreat to discern my call. During the retreat, I prayed for confirmation for God’s will, and spent many hours in front of the Eucharist. I remember asking Jesus, if it was really His will that I be a Daughter of St. Paul, then “please, let me have the desire to want to be a Sister too.” I felt that by just obliging to do His will and not wanting it myself will not be enough. Gradually, as the retreat progressed, that desire came – the desire to be a Sister. I thus submitted to His will, in total freedom and with the knowledge that ultimately, His will was best for me.

I recall sitting in my bedroom with tears rolling down my cheeks after I had decided to give this new life a try, saying goodbye to all I held dear – my loved ones and friends, my career, my car and other possessions etc. I felt sad yet there was a deep sense of peace within me and I knew that it was the right thing to do. Now looking back, I realize that God never really asked me to give anyone or anything up. In fact he has returned everything back to me and more! Truly, I have had many grace-filled experiences of the “overflowing cup” and “hundredfold reward” promised to those who follow Him. For example, being an only daughter – I have an elder brother – I always wanted a sister and now I have more than 2000 sisters around the world!

Although my parents were not enthusiastic about my vocation to the religious life, they nevertheless gave me their blessing. My father said, “Well you’re big enough to know what you want to do with your life.” As for my mother, she would cry every time I talked about becoming a nun but she eventually accompanied me to the convent in the Philippines where I officially entered. Today, I am glad that both my parents see my vocation as a grace and they even support and encourage me on my journey.

Knowing my limitations, weaknesses and sinfulness, I am still amazed that God called me to this life. Alongside the beautiful and ever modern Pauline mission of the Daughters of St. Paul is the invitation to conform our lives to Jesus Christ, the Divine Master, Way, Truth and Life. It has been an exciting and challenging journey for me since July 1993 when I entered the convent - 13 years thus far. Through the years, God’s love and faithfulness has sustained me. I believe he will continue to do so for the rest of my life, a life which I hope will grow in holiness and love.

I never dreamt

I never dreamt
A Sister someday I’d be.
A DJ, film-maker, a novelist,
Those were some of my dreams.
Even a photographer for National Geographic
Was a secret dream.
But becoming a nun?
Never was that on my list.

A husband to love
With adoring kids was what I hoped
My home would someday be.
But a convent filled with sisters?
Never was that on my mind!

As the years went by
And God was almost forgotten,
I worshipped pleasure, money and things
In truth, I worshipped me.

Then suddenly the bubble burst
Thanks to the Lady in blue.
I was led back into the fold
And rediscovered LOVE –
The love of the Divine…
I was born again and
My new life began.

Filled with the Spirit
I entered a school of evangelisation.
My prayer life deepened
My love for God grew
Before I knew it
My dream took on a different colour.
My eyes saw a different world
My heart danced to a different beat.

Then I thought I heard the call.
It was rather faint so
I pretended I didn’t hear.
But persisted it did
And resist it I no longer could.
I was drawn to the Daughters of St. Paul.
Their mission with the media
Was my personal desire too.

Today I’m clad in blue
Living a life of consecration
To the Master – Way, Life and Truth.

Will I live my YES to Him forever?
I’ve persevered thus far
Why shouldn’t I do so for life?
There’ll always be ups and downs
Joy amidst pain
Struggle amidst peace
And most of all
Grace amidst sin.

As life goes on day by day
With bigger challenges along the way
I realise my call, my life
Is in His hands
And no one
Not even I
Can shatter His dream
For me!

by Sr. Wendy Ooi, fsp
(Written on the occasion of her first profession, June 30, 1997)

Sr. Grace Lee, Fsp

I never wanted to be a nun. I just wasn’t that type of pious young lady (people’s idea of a candidate for religious life). I prided myself on being a city girl in the full swing of social life way back in the 1950s.
As a young teacher with a group of colleagues who loved fun and food, I really lived it up. I was so busy enjoying myself that I never had a thought for others. I was just blind to their situations and conditions.

Things went on for four years in this manner, and sometimes in my innermost heart I felt a twinge of dissatisfaction with life but I could not put my finger on the exact cause of it. Then my father died and my whole world changed.

I had never seen a person die. As I stood by my father’s deathbed I felt some kind of presence and many strange and unfamiliar thoughts went through my mind and heart. As my father gasped for breath, for living breath, I could not understand that dying meant not being able to breathe. When my grandmother declared that he was dead, I still called and called, “Father, Father,” thinking that he would hear me and return to life.

Now looking back on that episode, I saw that it was a moment of truth for me. It was God’s way of calling me to himself. In the days after my father’s death I kept asking myself what life was about and what death was about. I imagined my father appearing before God and being asked what he had done in his life. I knew very well what he had done. He had been a man of living faith, generous and loving, always responding to people’s needs and requests. I recalled so many incidents that really showed me what being a Christian is about.

The most outstanding example of my father’s loving concern for others was the way he helped an auntie when her husband died leaving her with four young children. Every Chinese New Year, he would make my sister and I bring the food that he cooked, to my auntie’s house before we ate our Reunion Dinner so that we could all eat at the same time. He also supplied her with as much money and other materials as he could afford.

As a consequence of all these thoughts, I had to examine my own life. A strong desire arose in my heart, to do something before it was too late.

As my congregation’s Founder, Blessed James Alberione, had said, to “do something for the people of his time,” I too wanted to do something. But I was selfish and I had not reached that altruistic objective, to do something for others, but to do something for my own salvation.

Even to achieve that “selfish” aim of saving my soul, I had a lot of temptations which prevented me from following that call. I tried to escape from God with all kinds of excuses and even with good projects. I plunged into many religious activities in the parish and hoped that would be enough to “save my soul.” But the Lord, as in that famous poem, The Hound of Heaven, chased after me and finally I knew He had won.

So with a huge act of self-offering, I entered the religious life, and even in the choice of a congregation, the Lord chose the best for me. He knew my inclinations and my talents. My friends were surprised that I did not enter a congregation of teaching Sisters since I was a teacher. My congregation with the media mission has such a wide field of apostolic work which to me and to my congregation is the most appropriate and most effective in this electronic world of new inventions at every moment.

In my 45 years as a Daughter of St Paul, I have done things which I never would have dreamt possible. As a young Sister I was given the task of teaching the aspirants and postulants, and at the same time, to write, edit and publish books for our community in India. Then I had some training in radio and television in England after which I produced a 15-minute program for young people in Radio Veritas. I also did much visiting of families, schools, offices and factories, bringing the Word of God to the people there. And I have some years of experience in our big Book and Media Centres.

Even today at age 69 I am bouncing with enthusiasm and zeal to bring the Good News to the whole world especially here in Macau, my present mission land. I see so many Chinese tourists from Mainland China and I have already carried out some projects to “break the bread of truth and God’s love” to them through our apostolate of books and media.

The road ahead is still far, but shining brightly, and I have many days to travel but the Lord is ever at my side and I shall not fear but rejoice in His love and providence. Would you care to join me?